Alone in the Midst of Chaos

In early 2019, I was sitting in a room of creatives at a design conference. The front table was covered with crayons and construction paper—scissors and glitter glue strewn about. String, rubberbands, markers, foam and pipe cleaners littered the table, giving off serious preschool class vibes

The session was with Debbie Millman, who is a creative herself and producer of Design Matter, a podcast which introduces creatives and exposes their creative processes and stories. It’s a delightful listen

Debbie Millman showed us a series of creative expressions from audio to visual then prompted us to let our minds release and create a personal visual story.

For years, I’d tried to figure out the swirl of emotions I felt around my life as a creative, an agency owner, a wife and mother of two. All of these roles chaotically swirled around me and yet,in it all, I felt very still. Even when the deadlines were hectic, the to-do-list was manic and the schedule seemed unmanageable tightening around me, I was still.

We were given 45 minutes to create with no limit beyond that face that we had to use the materials in front of us.

I picked up the pencil and began to draw that vision. It was a solo female facing away from me with her hair in a messy low bun. Around her were swirls of color that I came to recognize as the daily requests she felt coming down on her. What was left was a vivid uneven pattern. It was chaos. Beautiful chaos

I started writing the requests on sticky notes. I recall furiously scribbling them one after another, slapping them on top of the drawing. The square edges of the notes contrasted with the swirls. From scheduling appointments to creating meal plans, to household responsibilities and activities for the little ones, to client requests and deadline demands, to finances and time restraints; they represented the pressures of the to-dos of life that cover us up, weigh us down, overwhelm us and hold us hostage.

At my turn to share with the room full of creative strangers, I stood up with my page of sticky notes and started to read them. I peeled them one by one from the canvas to reveal the beauty of the creative passion underneath. The overwhelming sense of comfort came from being in that room of people saying “yes.”

They understood the beautiful chaos.

They too, could feel that even with all of “the things,” like the happy kids, the growing agency, the awesome work, the amazing clients, the love of life, you can still feel alone in the midst of being constantly and completely surrounded. Despite all the people you encounter on a daily basis or the little hands playing with your face, you can feel alone. And it’s ok.

You feel that no one “gets you.” No one cares about your agency and your kids as much as you do, and you’re right. But that doesn’t mean you have to feel lonely.

That room of creative strangers proved that. I wasn’t alone at all. I had a room full of people – strangers – that resonated with feeling alone in the midst of chaos, and it was a beautiful awakening.

I walked away that day and haven’t felt the sense of loneliness since. Two things brought me to this point. One, I named the feeling. I believe that anytime we call something out, it loses its power over us. Two, I found a community of other creatives that support one another even if I have never spoken with or connected with them since.

I’m here to tell you, you’re not alone. Even as the chaos ensues, and it will, you’re not alone.

I’d love to connect. Reach out to me via email or DM on Instagram or join the community of other creatives building their business and raising babies at home on our Slack workspace